Shitty 2006

As you all know my father died on January 7th. Too soon in all of our opinons, but it was his time, whether he or any of the rest of us thought so. I have a huge void in my heart, and this death is far more painful than my grandfather's.

Last night (late, around 1ish) I was tired and actually came to my computer to switch my AIM from "watching tv" to "sleeping" and I actually for a split second looked to see if my dad was online so that I could say hello. It was sad. Old habits die hard. It seems that nights are the hardest for me, because well no one is here and it's super quiet so then my mind just races with old memories. I was so tired last night that I did just fall asleep without Tylenol PM - but the night before I needed some because I couldn't stop thinking of old memories. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but not the best time for such things.

It's just so interesting to see how I am dealing with my dad's death versus my grandfather's death. With Grandpa I wasn't really sad... he had lived a full life and I had gotten to have him around a lot longer than I ever thought I would. His entry into the hospital was planned and he went peacefully being able to talk to us until the day before he died. It's totally the opposite with my dad. Even though he wasn't in the best of health and I knew he would never make it to the age of my grandpa, I never would have guessed he wouldn't be in our home in 2006. I said good night and that I loved him on the 26th on December and that's the last time I talked to him (where he talked back). So, I guess I just feel kinda robbed for time. Certainly a much deeper wound than with my grandpa. And so I guess that's why I'm sadder with my dad. With grandpa I was really just happy he wasn't in pain anymore and just sad he wouldn't be around anymore... but with my dad, although I am happy he isn't in pain anymore, I just wish he had more time. That I had more time with him. I know it will get better... and I know consciously he's in a much better place ... AND I know it was his time... BUT I was just so looking forward to the next few months being able to go up to Berdo and just sit and watch movies with him all weekend long. Sighh...