Another Anniversary

I think for the first time in six years the anniversary of my dad's death was not looming when I went to bed last night.   In fact, I didn't think about the date at all.   It's so interesting how people deal with death, even more interesting how the same person deals with different deaths.    You see, my grandfather and dad died within two months of one another.  It was a brutal blow for me - mostly though I was grieving over the loss of my father.   But I've said all of this before - what I haven't talked about as much is the looming anniversary dates.  My husband often asks me when I'm in an 'off mood' is this some date of something bad?    It's true I often go into a funk or bad mood on the anniversary dates of negative events.

Time heals all  most wounds and as time went by I started to skip over November 10th (the day my grandfather died) being a specific day to be sad and mourn - in fact I think it was year three, at most year four.   For my grandma's anniversary of her death last year, I was beyond preoccupied with life and the living to be in mourning.   However, it was not lost on me that the day I rushed my daughter to the ER, transported her to Children's and admitted her to the hospital was the two year anniversary of my grandma's death.    Grum certainly would have wanted no time lost in  mourning of her anyway - she is perfectly happy where she was.    While I can't say exactly what I'll be thinking come this March 16th this year, I'm guessing the impact of that day won't be as big as they were with my father's 3rd anniversary of his death.

Every year since my dad's death - I've stared at the calendar on the 6th knowing what the 7th meant.  Knowing that it was the anniversary of my dad departing this earth.    Last night when I looked at the calendar, for the first time in six years... the 7th was just another number.  I wasn't lost in grief or memories..     I woke up this morning to see my uncle's note about six years gone by... and realized what day it really was.    I know grief isn't textbook,  every person you grieve for isn't missed in the same ways - but for some reason this absence of remembering the night before, the absence of the looming dread of the 7th rolling around on the calendar - marks further healing in my loss.   

Life has continued on these last six years.    Many things have taken place, all of which I know my father would have loved to be a part of - and maybe he's looking down watching from a better place than we are, I don't know.   What I do know is that he is absent and that I miss him.  He's missed so much... but his legacy certainly lives on. 

Elephant in the Room

It's funny how life can change so quickly.   How one incident can result in a life-shift in not only behavior, but mindset, mannerisms and more.    Our journey into allergies began on Christmas day with a phone call to 911.  Our little girl was in mild distress and covered in hives after consuming a certain food.   We knew that even after that shot of benadryl by the paramedics that further doctors would be examining her and tests would be run.   I knew it was just the beginning...

On Tuesday afternoon my little girl and I headed to the allergist.   She was a picture perfect patient.  She was happy toddling around the room awaiting the visit from the doctor and she happily cuddled up against her mommy as the nurse did the test on her back.  She didn't even budge from my chest to see what was going on.  She didn't fuss one bit.   Then we waited and she happily tore apart my wallet while we waited for things to unfold.  

15 minutes later it was confirmed that Mae has allergies and that Mae would be prescribed an Jr. Epi Pen.   We went over procedures, check lists of when and if to use it,  what foods to avoid, what were ok.  Having had allergies pretty much my whole life all of this wasn't that overwhelming to listen to.   It is however the catalyst to paranoia:  What's in that?  Ace you can have that but Mae can't.   Mae can have this as a substitute.  Her cheeks are rosey, did she get into something?  and on and on it goes.  

It's a whole new and enduring world - allergies.    It causes you to really have to stop and analyze everything that a child consumes.   As an adult I have one food allergy to pineapple - I read a lot of labels - I find it exhausting because I never read a label once. I read it three times before consuming anything that remotely might contain pineapple - and I can recall many missteps I've had in consuming pineapple unsuspectingly and the consequences for that.   It's frustrating, but I'm in control.  I know what's the result of my intake of pineapple.   It's another whole world when it's my job to read the labels for my daughter, to insure that she is safe.   It is also my new job to carry the benadryl and the jr. epi pen. 

Epi... they make it sound so simple.  Not like the big scary word of epinephrine, a jolt of adrenaline.   The reminder from the pharmacist that it "only buys you about 15 minutes of time, so be sure to seek immediate emergent care" is reminder enough that it's not so simple.  The demonstration of use alone is jarring... nevermind that if I have to administer it - it won't be in the adult's thigh that it was just demonstrated on but my 16lb (nearly) one year old instead.     But as traumatic and scary as it all sounds - I'm honestly not afraid.  I just feel that this Jr. Epi Pen sits there is like a giant elephant is in the room.   This undertone of heavy weighted reality that I have a child with a moderate allergy and a this elephant that sits on a shelf awaiting a reaction.

I don't live in fear, but I do feel a heavy weight carrying around this pen (no not literally.)   However, I don't let it consume me.  I know that life is not in my control, but God's and whether this be a life long challenge for Mae or a shorter one mostly for her parents - it will be used for His glory and within His protection.  I pray that the allergy discovered is it, that there are no more to be discovered by traumatic means.  I pray that she outgrows what she has.   I hope one day to be rid of the elephant in the room, and my purse, my car... and soon to be in a couple of other places as well.  After all elephants are quite cumbersome.

Ace's First Day

Last night I went to bed and set my alarm... for the first time in a long time. Since I quit work the only time that I officially needed an alarm was in the event that we had a doctor or dentist appointment.   It's been nice for the last 4 years, I must say.   Today dawned a new era of the return of the alarm clock (2 days a week!)   I got up at 7 and got myself ready to go, then went into Ace's room and he was mostly awake.     He asked "When is it time to get up?  Is it time for preschool?!"  He was sleepy, but excited!
I got him partially dressed, grabbed him some cereal and apples for breakfast, and grabbed the scissors do to a bit of maintenance on his hair that has gotten quite shaggy.  He was less of fan of that.   We grabbed his shirt and finished getting him dressed.  Got his coat and backpack on and he posed for his first morning of school picture in front of the door.  We left Mae with Mo who was still here visiting us, said goodbye and the three of us headed on to school.

We arrived at school and he was so excited to get out of the car, did great going in, and met his teacher Miss Megan.    After meeting Miss Megan he shied into his father's shoulder.    We met a new friend who also was having his first day and we all walked upstairs together with Miss Megan.    Ace and his new friend got to pick their cubbies to hang their coats and their backpacks.   Ace shied away and said "I don't want to do it."  I helped him get it all put in and as we're doing this he asks "When are you coming back to get me?" I assured him we would be back in a few hours and that he'd have a good time.

We went into his classroom and he got to look around and he and his new friend went over and checked out some toys with his teacher.   Us parents hung back and after a few minutes went over to say goodbye.   Which he barely acknowledged - so we headed out.

Fast forward a couple of hours in which time we had breakfast, Mae had a short nap, and I made Ace a lunch - it was time to go collect him.    Mae came this time and was having a lot of fun playing as I looked around for Ace.  Most of the kids were in the main play area and Ace was busy walking around in the classroom busy as can be.   He came out and smiled really big, and gave me a hug.  He went to grab his stuff and I talked to the teacher who gave a glowing review for his first day.

We hopped in the car and I gave him his lunch which he was VERY excited about and he scarfed.  In fact as I was driving home he was done and wanting more... so we swung through McD's where he consumed 4 nuggets and fries.  I drove us around as he told me about his day "I played for 'thirty hours!', did a project, sang about shapes, played with Matthew, and didn't go do the race (?) outside because it was too cold, and my teacher turned out the lights when she talked to us."

As soon as we got home he showed me his project and showed me his book fair flyer (and so it begins!)  so we looked through that before nap time (which he ultimately he did not take,...)  and marked the end of his first first day of school which he says he's excited to go to again on Thursday! 

The Beginning

Tomorrow marks the beginning of a new adventure in our family.   Ace starts preschool!  He's ready, he's excited, and I am preparing myself for the car shuttle shuffle for the next decade+ - but even more than that I am preparing myself for letting go, just a bit.   I joked with Loving Husband that starting tomorrow we'd never really know for sure anymore if he was telling lies.   Up until now he's had very little exposure away from us.    He only sporadically stays in Sunday School, we've had very little babysitting, and all playdates for the most part I am in attendance for.  So if he created a story or a fib, it was pretty easily known if it hadn't happened.    Now we start a whole new adventure of several hours away from mom and dad.   Into a whole new world of school.

I am so excited for him and I am so thankful that he's so excited to start.   I pray that enthusiasm remains when we go to say goodbye and leave him in his class.   That it remains as the days of the week continue and he realizes that this isn't just a one time adventure that this is a couple days a week, every week, all year long.  

I won't lie - even as a I write this I'm misty eyed.   It seems impossible that we're already embarking on the adventures of school for him.   Yes, him and I have done 'school' together for over six months now - but this is truly the beginning of it all.   Soon he'll move to a 5 day program, then he'll go onto kindergarten, elementary,  extra curriculars will be developed... more car shuttling will happen and more and more time out of my care I will be entrusting him to someone else.   I won't lie - that's a little scary.  I won't lie - it's a huge milestone that I've been waiting for him to experience - and I hope he loves it.     I won't lie - the last 3.5 years have flown by.    Where has this baby gone? 

So while tomorrow's adventure is for Ace and what he's experiencing - it will certainly have just as big of an impact made on the rest of us - especially this mama. Ace will make friends, learn new things, and experience life from a whole new perspective.   I just pray that it's a good experience for him and pray that to date we've done a good enough job preparing him for the outside world. 

I look forward to his adventure tales, his insights, his new knowledge and excitement he finds. And  again, I won't lie - I will look forward to when he comes home - because even on the worst days he's my first born, my baby big boy, and I love to see his precious face, see his excitement, hear his perspective on the world, and give big hugs!     So yes, I'm sappy - I'm trying to get a good portion of that out before tomorrow morning so my toddler isn't rolling his eyes at me in embarrassment. 

Here's to a great first day at preschool, Bear!   I'm so proud of who you are and can't wait to see where you go in life - this is just the beginning!

Best of 2011

Best Event:  The birth of our daughter
Best Movie:  Arthur Christmas
Best Over-Played Song: Kokomo (strikes again!)
Best Book: The Hunger Game Trilogy
Best New-ity of 2011: Mae (what a great year of changes we've had!)
Most Shocking News of 2011: Our friend Katie's discovery of Stage 4 colon cancer

MW's Word of the Year: pragmatic
Jo's Word of the Year: car (between road trips, broken ones, and shopping for them...)

Events of 2011 in no particular order:
1. Epic Pirate themed 3rd Birthday Party for Ace
2. Road trips to MS and back the NW
3. Disneyland Trips!!
4. The South
5. Mae's week long stay in the hosptial
6. Christmas Day 911 call for Mae
7. Becky's baby shower & birth of Ben
8. Ace's School with Mom
9. Annoucement of Kaylee getting a sibling!
10. New cars!

Ringing In...

It was another low key year for us in this household. Two little ones and no babysitters available means we have a stay at home celebration, with one nice exception - my friend Mo came to visit us!   We've been having a nice time the last few days playing tourist and showing her around the area, yesterday her and I went and saw a movie (New Years Eve, which we both really liked in spite of bad abysmal reviews) but for NYE festivities we stayed close to home.

I made some tomato bacon bites, we had some cheese and crackers, and other munchies to graze on through dinner and the evening.   Ace was allowed to stay up until New York New Years.   To pass the time we played a half a game of Candy Land before Ace had a anti-establishment meltdown and earned himself a timeout.   We moved away from structured playing, I broke out the party hats and the noise makers, put on a movie and later on he did one of his floor puzzles all by himself (very proud!) partially with an audience.  :)

Mo and Loving Husband played War.  Loser takes a shot (beer for LH or diet coke for Mo) - I made a booze run mid-game.    A few beers and sodas later we moved to the living room, called Grammie via Skype and rang in NY New Years (4 minutes late) with Ace.   We missed any official countdown or ball drop - so we faked it via an old video online of last year's ball drop.  :)  Hugs and happy new years were said and Ace went off to bed, after observing some fireworks that neighbors were setting off.

Mae was a happy and wide awake girl.  She rang in EST New Years, CST, and MST... She was a busy girl, playing peekaboo with my scarf, walking around the house, playing horsey with her dad, and in general just was WIDE awake and having fun.   She finally made it to sleep about 20 minutes away from the new year PST. 

After Mae went to sleep, the adults headed over to the dining table for a game of Dutch Blitz, which after remembering how to play we had to pause mid-second round to toast in the new year and 5 minutes later Mae was awake again!  We called it a night on the game - and LH headed to bed.  Mo and I headed downstairs to enjoy a little more tv and I got Mae asleep on me.   We called it a night and headed to bed around 2:30am.    It was an excellent although tame NYE!  

Can't wait to see what 2012 brings us!  Happy New Year, everyone!!

2011 in Pictures