Saturday, January 7, 2012

Another Anniversary

I think for the first time in six years the anniversary of my dad's death was not looming when I went to bed last night.   In fact, I didn't think about the date at all.   It's so interesting how people deal with death, even more interesting how the same person deals with different deaths.    You see, my grandfather and dad died within two months of one another.  It was a brutal blow for me - mostly though I was grieving over the loss of my father.   But I've said all of this before - what I haven't talked about as much is the looming anniversary dates.  My husband often asks me when I'm in an 'off mood' is this some date of something bad?    It's true I often go into a funk or bad mood on the anniversary dates of negative events.

Time heals all  most wounds and as time went by I started to skip over November 10th (the day my grandfather died) being a specific day to be sad and mourn - in fact I think it was year three, at most year four.   For my grandma's anniversary of her death last year, I was beyond preoccupied with life and the living to be in mourning.   However, it was not lost on me that the day I rushed my daughter to the ER, transported her to Children's and admitted her to the hospital was the two year anniversary of my grandma's death.    Grum certainly would have wanted no time lost in  mourning of her anyway - she is perfectly happy where she was.    While I can't say exactly what I'll be thinking come this March 16th this year, I'm guessing the impact of that day won't be as big as they were with my father's 3rd anniversary of his death.

Every year since my dad's death - I've stared at the calendar on the 6th knowing what the 7th meant.  Knowing that it was the anniversary of my dad departing this earth.    Last night when I looked at the calendar, for the first time in six years... the 7th was just another number.  I wasn't lost in grief or memories..     I woke up this morning to see my uncle's note about six years gone by... and realized what day it really was.    I know grief isn't textbook,  every person you grieve for isn't missed in the same ways - but for some reason this absence of remembering the night before, the absence of the looming dread of the 7th rolling around on the calendar - marks further healing in my loss.   

Life has continued on these last six years.    Many things have taken place, all of which I know my father would have loved to be a part of - and maybe he's looking down watching from a better place than we are, I don't know.   What I do know is that he is absent and that I miss him.  He's missed so much... but his legacy certainly lives on. 

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