88!

 

Tonight on the eve of what would have been my grandma's 88th birthday I sit reflecting on time gone by.    In the last decade I've lots many loved ones.  It seems like she's been gone so long but when I do the math it's only been 4.5 years.  My grandpa has been gone for eight.  My dad, nearly eight years as well.  Time is so tricky like that.  I miss them.  But today I miss my Grum a lot.    I wish all of my lost loved ones could be here to know their (great) grandkids.    Enjoy the technology that gives us the option to seem so much closer even though we're miles apart.   To share more time.

I reflect tonight on many things, mostly happy. To dwell on sadness of the absence would be to drowned the memories of happiness and so I press on to reflect on those happy times - and there were many.    My mom reminded me the other day of  Grandma's game with my brother and I of 'Hide the Slipper'  Grum would sit in her chair and then we would go hide one (or both!) of her house slippers (think 80-riffic slip on plastic sole, terry cloth slippers, which she'd wear through and buy several more pairs throughout my entire life)  upon us returning to her chair in the living room she would begin to guess where we hid it.  :)  Eventually she'd get it right and we'd go hide it again!  All the while she didn't have to move at all.   Genius! 

 

Grandma, rocking "selfie" pics before they were cool!

Swinging and singing were two of my favorite things to do at Grum's.  Also eating those Gerber 'hot dogs' that were baby food ones - I know I ate those way beyond being a baby.   I also usually had gum and apple juice whenever I was there.   Grum always had the same bread - it was brown (at least that was all my take away was when I was a kid.) At my house we always ate the white bread, but I would eat the brown bread at Grum's, because that's what she had.  She'd make Swedish Pancakes every time I stayed over - and I used to crawl out of the room, sneaking to surprise them, to no one's surprise - ever.  ;)

 

 

Grum knew how to laugh at herself and her laugh was infectious.   I can still hear it.  Somehow we got this bow tradition to be a regular thing for the last several Christmases of her life.  Silly, but fun.  :)   Why not? ;)

 

Grum loved to cook - she cooked nearly every meal.  She knew her dishes and she knew how to make many things.   She made a mean German Chocolate Cake, yummy!     She also was a good sport when the list was past around for the church pot luck and by the time it had gotten to her someone - every time - would have signed her up for Grandma Jello!

 

I think the one thing I am most sad to have lost is time to talk to her more about Jesus.   She became a Christian 'late in the game' when she was 30 and she latched on to study His word with great fervor and zeal.   She wore through several Bibles in the 53 years of her walk with Christ on this earth.    We buried her with 'the' Bible that she had worn out the most.   We couldn't decide who should have it - so to dust it went.  :)   We all kept a few pages from it though where she had written and underlined and reunderlined some important passages to her.    I would have loved to now that I am older to have time to sit down and talk to her. 

 

 

Grum was so happy when she learned that she was going to be a great grandma.  It was the last Christmas I spent with her was when we announced we were pregnant with Ace.    I still recall when we found out he was a boy the first thing out of her mouth was "That's ok, the next one will be a girl."    She was right!  Mae has her spunk for sure, mixed with my facial expressions and BOTH of our stubbornness... oh boy watch out.   Perhaps you do share more than Grum's middle name sweet girl!

 

So much happiness and life that we shared.   I was at her house several days a week, swinging, laughing, playing, doing puzzles, playing games,  singing to Jesus, and occasionally making cookies or learning how to cook something as I grew older.   Grum's was my first sleepover, the first place I had gum, the first place I had coffee, many lessons were instilled to me there, many memories were made, laughs were had.    While I wish she were here to celebrate being 88!  I know that her time didn't run out here, she had just finally waited long enough to go home.   Happy Birthday, Grum!  I miss you.

 

 

Welcome Home, Mae!

With snow still looming over our commute home, we got on the freeway in rush hour traffic. Thankfully there was no snow and surprisingly not too much traffic either for 5pm. Mae did great in the car, Ace loved having his sister in the back seat and mom sitting in the middle... and impressive feat considering we have a simple 4-door sedan. Ace wanted to be able to touch sister, but he's not quite long enough. Mae was cozy and content in her heirloom blanket and hat made by my grandmother. The same one Ace was wrapped in when he came home, the same that I and my brother were wrapped in when we came home, and the same that my mom and uncle were wrapped in when they came home. It was nice to carry on that tradition.

We arrived home and headed inside. Ace spotted some goodies that Vanessa had left for us after feeding our kitties the day before (thanks, girlie!) some beautiful flowers and the newspaper from the day of her birth. We then proceeded to introduce Mae to our kitties. They seemed interested that there was again another little person in the room - but by no means did they bold when she squealed. The first time Ace cried when we brought him home sent the cats bolting in escape... they've since been accustomed to loud noises from smaller people. :)



We then enjoyed dinner and allowed Ace to play some for a bit before starting the bedtime routine. Little lady got to enjoy her swing for the first time (not on, just a cozy seat) while both mom and dad participated in the bed time routine. Helping to ensure that Ace still felt like a priority. He went to sleep well and aside from a few in-sleep fusses slept through the night without issue.

Loving Husband headed to bed and stayed up with Mae who was still awake a little. A little after 8 she fell asleep after nursing and we headed up to bed around 9. We slept from 9-11:30 before she woke again and was wide awake - a little mixed up I'd say - she'd dose off, but then wake back up wanting more milk... which hadn't quite come in yet. We finally got back into some solid sleep around 5:30. Loving Husband took Ace who had woken at 7:40 and took him downstairs. We woke at 9am to a good ol' fashion blowout. Through the diaper the cozy (thick) pjs and onto her waterproof pad. Impressive, little girl!

Overall a good first night. Mae didn't really fuss or cry. She wasn't a fan of diaper changes in the night - but mostly because of cold hands and wipes - and she calms right down if you talk to her. Mae's first night at home and the snow fell. 5" of snow that finally fell... which was beautiful, but by the time we woke it was windy and raining and melting away all of that snow. So while Mae's first official snow has occurred, she never saw it, so I'd say it didn't really count. Heck mom didn't even get a picture of it - so it really doesn't count. ;-)

Traditions

Growing up we did almost the same thing every year for Christmas ... at least until the age of 12. Occasionally we had additional guests - cousins and whatnot that visited and added to the merriment of the season - but for the most part we had the same routine every year. There wasn't necessarily a 'focus' on the tradition of it (or not that I specifically recall) - but by the repetition of it traditions were born.

We spent Christmas Eve at my Grandma's house - a tradition that around the age of 12-14 I was mildly irked by when I wasn't allowed to go to the Christmas Eve Party at my best friend's house. We had dinner - I don't recall the meal being the same every year - but I recall it being one of a family member's favorites. Sometimes dinner was later because we were waiting for my uncle to arrive who had driven down from San Jose, or was flying in from the same. In later years my Aunt joined us as well (he married when I was in high school.) Other times he was already there or would be missing Christmas Eve entirely (meal wise) so we ate at the grandparent's standard dinner time - which I recall being pretty early (for our family) around 5 or 5:30.

We then moved into Grandma's living room (everyone!) to allow my brother and I to open one Christmas present - sometimes of our choosing - other times we had one picked out for us. Often if one was picked it was because it was a bigger item such as a bike. I don't recall the rest of the family members opening one present on Christmas eve when I was younger. Perhaps it's because I personally wasn't giving gifts at the time, so there weren't too many options if they did open one on Christmas eve, there might not be another on Christmas morning. But after I went to college - I do recall that everyone opened one gift on Christmas eve for a few years. The remainder of Christmas eve was spent playing with our new toy - or patiently awaiting the assembly of it by my dad, grandpa, and/or uncle. We'd wrap up our night and we'd load the car with all the wrapped presents from Grandma and Grandpa and head home - where presents were deposited under the Christmas tree, we got into jammies, set out cookies and milk for Santa, and read or watched How the Grinch Stole Christmas. Then we went to sleep... or to bed at the very least.

Around 11 or so my Uncle would venture over on many of the years and assist in more assembly of whatever 'Santa' was bringing my brother and I. In our home - Santa left presents play-ready. So the year I had received the Barbie Mansion was the year that my mom, dad, and uncle were up until 3am putting tiny stickers on all the furniture, walls, etc of that giant house. My uncle always was assigned sticker duty. Apparently that same year of the Barbie Mansion endless sticker marathon, was also the same year that Derek (my brother) decided that Christmas should begin at 4am. I somehow had ended up in my parents bed that night - I don't recall consciously joining them there - but I do recall my brother bouncing in telling me I got a GIANT house. I, at the age of 9 (10?) did not care and treasured sleep more than my new toys - at that hour. Finally, at 5:30am they could hold him off no longer and 'made the call' the call that had been made every year since I had been born. Come on over it's time for Christmas! So at 6am my Grandma, Grandpa, and my Sleepy Uncle (who treasures morning sleep like I do) came on in and we had Christmas morning BRIGHT and EARLY.

We didn't have a 'traditional' meal that was for breakfast - I often recalled muffins or donuts being what we consumed. After the family arrived we started unwrapping the presents that had been sitting under our grandparents tree for days/weeks that we had been pinching and prodding all with the threat of if we opened it - we wouldn't get it. So massive tearing and frenzy of wrapping paper would fly and the excitement would build. We'd be left in a sea of presents and occasionally the wrapping - while the adults sipped on their coffee and took it all in. Eventually opening presents from each other (and eventually presents from me... Derek took longer to get on the present-bandwagon than many kids.)

After a few hours the grandparents and my uncle headed home and we spent the morning playing with our toys - while mom readied the Christmas feast in the kitchen. Sometimes we'd watch a parade or a Christmas movie (especially if we received videos for Christmas presents) other times football was on - and it was almost always on once the family came back over for Christmas dinner. Around 4pm my grandparents would return with part of the Christmas feast in hand (sweet potatoes, mashed potatoes, jello...) and the table would be set, football would be watched while the meal was being finalized, and we'd sit down to a Turkey dinner - I do not recall a year we did not have turkey for our Christmas dinner. I loved it. The evening would wind down with pie and ice cream and then everyone would head home. After a lovely Christmas.

After my Uncle married my Aunt we moved Christmas to my Grandparent's house. We were old enough that while it was a bit different and even a bit jarring - it wasn't the end of the world. We did our stockings at our house before we left - by then we were old enough that our Christmas presents weren't elaborate piles of 'toys' but electronics, cash, videos, etc. Making transport of such things simpler, if we so chose. We then went over to Grandma's around 10... sometimes 11 and enjoyed Christmas morning there with the family.

When I went away to college, I still came home for Christmas every year and the traditions we had were still held (for the most part) we still went to my grandma's in the morning and had Christmas dinner at her house. Football was still watched and family was still together. 2002 was the last Christmas that everyone was all together. After that my brother joined the Air Force and he was gone for the next 5 Christmases. In fact I haven't had a 'Christmas Day' with him since 2002. In 2004 my grandfather had Christmas up in San Jose with my Aunt and Uncle - he was attending a school for the blind that happened to fall during Christmas. I spent that Christmas with my mom, dad, grandma, and Loving Husband (our first as a married couple) at Grandma's house. It was small and quiet. New traditions began to form as older ones from childhood faded - like my mother giving my husband a tacky tie or putting bows on my grandmother's head. ;-)

Years to come we saw change. My brother was married in June of 2004 and I in July of 2004 and while Derek and Jennifer spent their Christmases together in Minot, Loving Husband graciously joined our family for Christmas Day every year from 2004-2007. We saw losses in our family as my grandfather died in 2005 and then my father in early 2006 and most recently my grandmother's passing in 2009. Christmas was forever changed - yet memories were ever fixed. While it is sad they are no longer present to celebrate the traditions and holiday with us - we have so many wonderful years to look back and remember with them.

Traditions I feel are important, but only so much as the memories that they create. A tradition shouldn't rule the holiday - it shouldn't be an item to be marked off a list. It should be a part of the joy and the fun of Christmas. Something to look back on and remember fondly. I'm trying to instill that in our home as well. Continuing on the tradition of 'one present' on Christmas eve, along with creating some of our own. Ace received an 'Advent Calendar' from his grandma last year and it is 25 mini-books telling the story of the birth of Christ - and I hope that is a tradition that can continue on for many years to come. A daily reminder of why we celebrate on Christmas day to begin with. Loving Husband and I since we were married have been exchanging stockings (and presents.) And since Ace has been aware we have made a point as a family to hang the first ornament on the tree together. It doesn't have to be a specific ornament - but just together starting off decorating the tree as a family I think it is a memory that will be nice to have in years to come. We celebrate Loving Husband's one family tradition as well - whenenver the first snow falls - the 'Deck Dive'.


All traditions begin somewhere - and I know in my family my grandmother played a large role in that. I love all the memories that I have because of her, my mother, and my family and I can only hope I can do as good of service for my family in years to come.

Grum was right!

About what? Well we had our gender ultrasound on Friday, and we found out that our little one growing happily inside is in fact A GIRL! We couldn't be more thrilled and happy... but how is my grandmother right? Well, rewind nearly 2.5 years ago when we had our last gender ultrasound and found out Ace was a boy. I called my grandma to tell her that we were having a boy! We were excited, thrilled, and happy! The first thing out of my grandma's mouth (while she was all of those things!) was "That's ok, the next one will be a girl." Yes, the FIRST thing she said was to inform me that the next one would be a girl... and then of course she congratulated me on a healthy baby boy on the way. :) But I never forgot that and it kind of is bittersweet now that she's no longer here to hear the good news... but I love that she was right! :)
Our little girl is growing and healthy just as she should be. Her heart looks great, her brain is growing and developing as it should, and all her organs are working and functioning. She was modest at times, but she did her job and let us verify that she really is a she! :) Her heartbeat was 138bpm, the calmest either of our babies' heartbeats have ever been! She does love to wave at the camera though. :)

I personally have only gained 8lbs so far. With Ace at this stage in the pregnancy I had gained 15lbs. :) So having a toddler is certainly keeping those extra pounds off, hehe. We discovered that the placenta is over the front of my stomach, but that's nothing more than noted. Since I did not have a c-section with Ace, then it is a non issue with my second pregnancy. However, it does explain why I didn't feel her until later in the pregnancy whereas many second pregnancies women report feeling the baby as early as 14 weeks. I didn't feel her until 17 weeks. But she has some adorable feet and legs to kick me with - and she is a squirmer now!

She's still small enough right now that she can do lots of flips and circling around in there, so she enjoyed flipping over and around throughout the ultrasound, which was fun to be able to watch her movements. :) It was great to see her! We are hoping to see her again in a few weeks, as we're hoping to be able to do a 3D ultrasound closer to the due date. Just have to see if it will be covered by insurance.

Flashback Friday

Four years ago this weekend our family ventured out to Vegas. My grandma had never been and while she was anything but a gambler we still thought it would be fun to show her all the neat architecture and pretty over the topness that is Las Vegas. My Aunt took this picture of the four of us in The Venetian. The five of us enjoyed a few days wandering around, eating buffets, and gambling on the penny slots. It was a nice time with family.

Looking Back

It has been one year since Grum went to be with Jesus. How do you mark such a shocking day in our family? How do you memorialize it on this morbid-'anniversary'? What is there to say? I cannot say there have not been sad moments. I cannot say that tears have not been shed. I cannot say that today isn't a sadder day than another day. However, I can say that looking back it has been a wonderful year. By no means is that to make my grandmother's passing seem trite. But actually it speaks more to the point, she is celebrating and renewed with Jesus. Why would we mourn and pout for a year here on earth wasting away? We shouldn't, we didn't, and we won't.

Shortly after she passed I posted this poem and it still holds true. My grandmother was a beautiful spirit and while we mourn her passing we hold strong to the truth that we will see her again one day in heaven. I can think of no better way to mark a year of her passing than simply to revisit this post and watch the video I made of her life with us. It was a wonderful life and we were blessed to have her for so long.

I miss you, Grum. Everyday.

Flashback Friday

One year ago today we were in California with Ace for the first time. It was his first visit to the Sunshine Golden State. It was only the second (and last) time Grum had seen him. The time before he was only three weeks old! He had grown a lot (he was 5 months old at this visit) and she loved to hug him and just watch him. It was a wonderful visit and they are wonderful pictures and memories to have. To see more pictures from our adventures this is the blog from that trip.

Holiday Memories

20 years ago my uncle gave me this little guy on top of a package. A little mouse that had a musical tummy which still runs! (albeit with a lot less gusto than previous years.) Yes this little guy has been a part of my Christmas decor for the last two decades! It's the little things like this that truly make the magic of Christmas come alive.


My nativity is far newer to my home than that little guy is. In 2006 my grandmother purchased it for me. She said she didn't want to just give me cash or junk but something that would be meaningful and a way to remember her after she was gone. I remember thinking then - oh grandma you're not going anywhere - and yet what a lovely idea! I am so glad that I allowed her to purchase my nativity set. Now I was able to pick it out, so it fits my home, taste and decor - but it is so much more special to me because Grum knew even then that she wouldn't be around forever. I too knew she wouldn't out live me - but I wouldn't mind if she had. This year there are a couple extra angels in my nativity scene. These are ones that were my Grum's. They live in my home year round, but during the Christmas season they live with the nativity that my Grum so thoughtfully wanted me to have.


Everyone has ornaments on their tree that hold special meaning for them. Their first ornament from when they were a baby, special years or collections that bring up fond memories. My favorite ornaments by far are the ones that I have honoring our family members that have passed on. (I'm giving away the surprise of a Christmas gift to family members here) but I just couldn't not put all three of them up together. The one on the left is for my father which says "Forever in Our Hearts" , the next is for my grandfather who passed in 2005 and it says "Merry Christmas from Heaven: I love you all dearly, now don't shed a tear, I'm spending my Christmas with Jesus this year", this year I had made on an angel ornament (because they were Grum's favorite) "Our Loving Angel" - they are very dear to my heart and while I know they are no longer with us, these ornaments are a gentle reminder of them and all the wonderful Christmas memories we have together.

I am thankful for...

This time of year is a blessing, work life is slowed (or filled with festive distractions) and the holiday spirit emerges. Today begins that season with a day dedicated to the purpose of being thankful. There are many things that I am thankful for, many people I am blessed to have in my life, many many memories to cherish, and one God who deserves the glory for it all.

Today I decided to make a collage to reflect just a handful of people and things I am thankful for. It is far from an exhaustive 'list' but it is a fraction of what I am so very thankful today: my husband, my son, family, friends, memories, babies, travel, my home....

Thank you everyone for being a part of my life, even those that are only known by the digital world of blogging. May you and yours have a blessed Thanksgiving and a wonderful start to the holiday season.

Happy Birthday, Grum!

Today would have been my grandmother's 84th birthday. Her presence has been missed, but around this time of year starting today on her birthday it is even more noted. I was thinking the other day that it was nearly time to start making the cranberry relish and it was the first time in a few weeks that I truly felt my grandma's absence. I would not be able to call her this year to verify the recipe. It instantly made my heart sink.

We didn't spend birthdays or Thanksgivings together all that frequently once I got married. Although we did throw a grand party for her 80th and my mom's 50th (only a few days apart from each other) back in 2005. An excellent time had by all!

Last Christmas was the first Christmas in my 20-something life that I had not spent it with my immediate family. The first Christmas that I did not spent it with my grandma - ever. I don't regret that I didn't, but I am sad that I won't ever have the opportunity to spend it with her again. The last Christmas I did spend with my grandma was 2007 when we announced to our family that we were pregnant. She was so happy. I'm so blessed by all the memories I have.

So today I am missing her, but I know that in the days and weeks to come her absence is going to be all the more palpable, but I'll be ok... I know where she is. Happy Birthday, Grum! It's your best one yet, because this year you're partying with Grandpa and Jesus!

Hidden Treasures

I've been staying at my grandmother's house this month that I've been So Cal. It's weird being here amid her things. Seeing many things just as she had left them and yet seeing piles and bare walls from things already in the process of being moved out and distributed to family members. I've sat around late at night by myself soaking up the memories that this house holds. Trying to remember all the sleep overs, swinging in the backyard, looking at me and my brother's feet prints in the front yard, knowing that this is the last time that I will be in this house as it is. It is possible that this property will remain in our family for a while. It is possible that I will be back in it. However, after this trip - when I go home - when I come back here it will no longer be 'Grandma's House.' It's bittersweet.

I've been photographing the small things that won't stick out in my memory as time fades. Things that are small and simple that were a part of 'Grandma's House' that won't be passed on in the family, but things that will go by the wayside or remain with the home. Somethings are truly the work of my grandfather, like his garage. Others are just silly. I am truly thankful that I had this time to spend soaking up the little things before I say goodbye to 'Grandma's House' forever.

Just a few of Grandma's bibles. I already have a few of them.

The 'breadbox' on the left and the working microwave on the right.

My Grandma's favorite picture of me, it's been in that frame as long as I can remember.

My feet and hand prints (although my hands have faded away)

A section of my grandfather's garage, our blocks we played with are in the box.

Wordless Wednesday

Saying Goodbye to Grum

For more Wordless Wednesday click here.

In Memory of Grum

I find music to be very therapeutic. When my dad passed away there were a few songs that got me through that time. When my dad passed Brad Paisley's When I Get Where I'm Going helped me tremendously and I first heard it within days of his passing. Today, a little under two weeks of my Grandma passing I have found Sissy's Song by Alan Jackson. I truly believe these songs were provided to me to help me heal, God uses many different avenues to provide comfort. For me that comfort is found in certain songs. They make me sad, happy, reflective and a whole other slew of emotions. Today they inspired me to put together some pictures and video of my Grum, so please enjoy and turn on your volume for this one.

A Lifetime of Love and Laughter

A little over a month ago I wrote a tribute to my grandmother and every word still rings true - even the part about still hearing her laughter. On Monday my Grum went to be with our Lord and Savior. It is certainly a shock to everyone. She had been sick recently, but was on the mend. My mom came over on Monday morning after not being able to reach her to find her beyond this world. We are all very sad, but at the same time at peace. She is where she has always strived to be: in heaven.

A poem my aunt found today says it nicely.

To Those I Love and Those Who Love Me

When I am gone, release me let me go.
I have so many things to see and do.
You mustn’t tie yourself to me with tears.
Be happy that we had so many years.
I gave you my love, you can only guess how much you gave me in happiness.
I thank you for the love you each have shown.

But now it’s time I traveled alone.
Grieve a while for me if you must.
So bless the memories within your heart.
I won’t be far away for life goes on.

So if you need me, call and I will come.
Though you can’t see or touch me, I’ll be near.
And if you listen with your heart you will hear all my love around you soft and clear.
And then when you must come this way alone,
I’ll greet you with a smile and a “Welcome Home”

~ Author Unknown

Grum, you will be dearly missed and will leave a large void in our lives here on earth. I am so glad to have had you for 28 years. I am so blessed you were able to know your great grandson. I am so glad you did not suffer. I so welcome the day I can see you again. All my love....

Tuesday's Tribute

There are many things that can be done on Tuesdays: tips, tackling household work, or today's choice - taking time to blog about someone else. - To discuss someone else rather than ourselves and our immediate circle of life around us. And thus today, I'd like to take this time to talk about my grandma.

She is a beautiful woman of God and she is loving beyond what seems possible. She always offers kind words to anyone that needs them, she will listen with the utmost patience - even to that relative that yammers on and on about medical conditions - she takes everything in stride and all with a Godly and loving attitude. I miss living close to her. When I was little I didn't attend "structured" preschool. I had my preschool in my grandma's family room. We sang songs together while I was on the swings in her backyard. She bought me a dress every easter, and bought me my most special dress: my wedding dress when that day came. She loves her great grandson with every ounce of her being. She is a wonderful cook and even on this last trip goes out of her way to make me the pancakes she's been making me since I was big enough to chew - she's the only one that can do it right. She is the backbone of our family. She is a blessing. You can hear her laugh even when she isn't around. She's traveled and lived throughout the world. She has a story for just about every subject. She is my Grandma.