The Little Things

There are so many memories that flood my mind day in and day out... some make me sad, but often times I just smile and enjoy the passing thought. But, really what gets to me is the little things. A simple picture that's been in a frame in my house for years, that I pulled down to dust made me tear up. Changing my profile just now from my hero being "My dad. He fights so hard." to what is now. I guess it's just the small things that catch you off guard, when you think they you are doing well, but the raw feeling returns so suddenly.

My dad was an amazing man... it's been a blessing to see all the memories that people have of him that they have shared, people have been so kind. And yes, one day I'll write a blog about something other than my dad. But for now, that is who is on my mind.

Shitty 2006

As you all know my father died on January 7th. Too soon in all of our opinons, but it was his time, whether he or any of the rest of us thought so. I have a huge void in my heart, and this death is far more painful than my grandfather's.

Last night (late, around 1ish) I was tired and actually came to my computer to switch my AIM from "watching tv" to "sleeping" and I actually for a split second looked to see if my dad was online so that I could say hello. It was sad. Old habits die hard. It seems that nights are the hardest for me, because well no one is here and it's super quiet so then my mind just races with old memories. I was so tired last night that I did just fall asleep without Tylenol PM - but the night before I needed some because I couldn't stop thinking of old memories. Which isn't necessarily a bad thing, but not the best time for such things.

It's just so interesting to see how I am dealing with my dad's death versus my grandfather's death. With Grandpa I wasn't really sad... he had lived a full life and I had gotten to have him around a lot longer than I ever thought I would. His entry into the hospital was planned and he went peacefully being able to talk to us until the day before he died. It's totally the opposite with my dad. Even though he wasn't in the best of health and I knew he would never make it to the age of my grandpa, I never would have guessed he wouldn't be in our home in 2006. I said good night and that I loved him on the 26th on December and that's the last time I talked to him (where he talked back). So, I guess I just feel kinda robbed for time. Certainly a much deeper wound than with my grandpa. And so I guess that's why I'm sadder with my dad. With grandpa I was really just happy he wasn't in pain anymore and just sad he wouldn't be around anymore... but with my dad, although I am happy he isn't in pain anymore, I just wish he had more time. That I had more time with him. I know it will get better... and I know consciously he's in a much better place ... AND I know it was his time... BUT I was just so looking forward to the next few months being able to go up to Berdo and just sit and watch movies with him all weekend long. Sighh...

2005 in Review

It's a bit late... but this was ready to go before everything - and for the sake of history I felt the need to post it. :)

THE BEST OF 2005:

Best Event: Graduating for the LAST TIME!

Best Movie: Madagascar, Harry Potter & The Goblet of Fire

Best Over-Played Song: Mississippi Girl - Faith Hill (good song)

"Best" Radio Moment: Star 100.7 becomes flippin' JACK-FM.... grr, but public voice rises above and Star returns on 94.1!!!!

Best Book: Harry Potter & The Half Blood Prince

Best New-ity of 05: MySpace!!!! (FOR MOST OF US...)

Most Shocking News of 05: Derek Arrested for writing a bad check in North Dakota. See entries 02/22/05 & 02/28/05

MW's Word of the Year: integrity
Jo's Word of the Year: excellent

Events of 2005:
1. THE BAR EXAM!!!
2. Graduating from Law School.
3. My brother and his wife split unofficially. Hey they lasted a year!
4. I was "fired" from the law firm.
5. Loving Husband and I got two kittens!
6. I got the top grade in Law Practice Management!!!
7. My grandfather died :(
8. Road trip with Carrie to the NW!!!
9. I got hired at That College as a professor and DOF!
10. A visit to Minot in January!

One Week

It just doesn't seem possible. It doesn't seem fair. It just doesn't seem like it's real. A week ago today, my father died. I am deeply saddened, but at the same time I am happy for him.

For the last 4 years he has been slowly declining in health and in the last 4 months he really hasn't felt like doing much of anything. He had stopped getting on the internet as much, he had stopped watching DVDs because it was too much effort to get up and down to put them in. His quality of life had drastically suffered - and because of that, I can be happy for him that that is over for him.

He can be smiling and happy now. He can argue politics with my grandpa. He can be whole again. I will always have a huge void in my heart to a certain extent, but with time the sadness I feel will be replaced entirely by the happiness I have for him. I'll always be Daddy's Little Girl, regardless of where he is.

I will always have the memories of watching movies at terrible hours of the night. Including on Christmas night watching our last movie together: Scrooged until 2:30am. I’ll think of him every time I watch one of those terrible disaster movies that my dad and I loved to watch back to back: Volcano, Dante’s Peak, Asteroid. I will miss our chats online where we say little, but still managed to keep up with each other. I will miss everything. Love ya, Daddy!

...

I know many of you have been holding vigil and wanting to keep updated on how my daddy was doing. Well, today he went to be with Jesus and my grandfather. He went peacefully.

We took out the tubes around 2pm, per his request and he breathed on his own with just his little nose tube of oxygen until 6:50pm. He just went to sleep and it was just as he would have wanted it.

I am ok... terribly sad and I will miss my daddy like crazy... but he isn't in pain any longer.

Please Pray

Yesterday around 1:30pm I got a call from Dawn to let me know that my dad was unresponsive and that my mom and her had called 911 to transport him. They transported him to the closest hospital because he was too unstable to transfer him to our 'home' hospital and during transport he had a seizure and they had to intubate him. They put him on blood pressure medication because when he first got there it was 83/37. In the afternoon it came up a bit, dropped again in the night, and this morning after my mom got there, it seems to have stabilized a bit and they are currently trying to ween him off of medication for that. His kidneys are fully functional and they are pumping a zillion bags of saleen into him. However, he has not been conscious yet. Mom believes that he can hear her and responds minimally with his eyebrows and furrowing his brow... but he has not opened his eyes since he was transported there. Dawn is there with her again today. However, I finally made the decision to fly back to home later tonight in order to be there with my mom tomorrow, because I am sure that Dawn has to go to work... plus any fun we were planning to have here has been highly overshadowed by my worrying. So, last night we simply cancelled our New Years plans and stayed in. Loving Husband and I finished 24 and I have found the new craze of Sudoku quite mind numbing and had purchased (before the news) a book of puzzles that I did for quite some time. I've been torn about leaving because this was supposed to be a great week of just relaxing and having a good time... but the good time part is gone and I certainly cannot enjoy the  lodge now... so I think it's just going to have to be put on hold. When we reschedule all of that, who knows. Loving Husband will be flying back with me and we'll fly on emergency tickets which are easiest to change the date of the ticket for... so we can come back early, later, etc.. hard to say if mine will be a one-way or a round-trip ticket, we haven't discussed that yet.

Please pray for my dad. They still don't really know what is currently wrong. His catscan came back negative, so he didn't have stroke... so we're not sure if this is simply a result of his body shutting down from all the meds or if it is something fixable. Either way, we all need prayer. More tests are supposed to be run today. Hopefully that will yield some answers.