It's really just not been a good year. Don't get me wrong there have been good things that have happened in this year. But in the grand scheme of things, it's not been a good year. From the time I turned 25 it's been one thing after another and I can't HELP but feel discouraged and beaten.
I try to stay positive, happy and move on from the tragedy that life has brought down on our family, but things just keep happening. My cousin Jonathan, not much older than me, died on February 26th. What makes this world so cruel? It makes me angry but mostly forlorn.
I find comfort in small things... but often times I really just feel like I am trying to hold it together. Is it possible get through the rest of the age of 25 unscathed? Death is natural, death is immanent... but damn it, does it have to be all at once?!
Ultimately, I am at peace with my grandfather's death. It's been a little over four months, since he went peacefully onto heaven. If one has to die, it should be the way that he did. Knowing, at peace with life's course, and able to say goodbye. I didn't get any of that with my father. He was unable to speak due to the tube down his throat, unconscious by the time that we took it out, not wanting to die, but to fight for life... and death winning out regardless of all his will power and our hope for a miracle. Damn it, it just doesn't seem fair.
I only have comfort in the abstract. I only find peace in things that I hope are signs that he's well off. The night of the funeral I heard a song on the radio, followed by a block of Shania Twain songs. Now I don't find much musical enjoyment in Shania Twain, but my dad loved her. And that night on the radio they played 5 songs in a row from her Come on Over cd, my dad's favorite. I took comfort in that... I had to... I was never able to hear from him, good bye.
When I get Where I'm Going
When I get where I'm goingOn the far side of the skyThe first thing that I'm gonna doIs spread my wings and flyI'm gonna land beside a lionAnd run my fingers through his maneOr I might find out what it's likeTo ride a drop of rain(Chorus:)Yeah when I get where I'm goingThere'll be only happy tearsI will shed the sins and strugglesI have carried all these yearsAnd I'll leave my heart wide openI will love and have no fearYeah when I get where I'm goingDon't cry for me down hereI'm gonna walk with my grand daddyAnd he'll match me step for stepAnd I'll tell him how I missed himEvery minute since he leftThen I'll hug his neck(Chorus)So much pain and so much darknessIn this world we stumble throughAll these questions I can't answerSo much work to doBut when I get where I'm goingAnd I see my maker's faceI'll stand forever in the lightOf his amazing graceYeah when I get where I'm goingThere'll be only happy tearsHallelujahI will love and have no fearWhen I get where I'm goingYeah when I get where I'm going